All of these lines across my face / Tell you the story of who I am June 1, 2008
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Family, Life, We Get It -- You're Stressed About Getting Old.trackback
The other day I was telling my Mom about how cute Best Friend Ever looked pregnant and how her Mom’s eyes just lit up every time she talked about the baby, as if she might just burst with joy right there and splash Excited Future Grandma Guts all over the twice baked potatoes she was preparing in their newly renovated kitchen for our Memorial Day steak dinner.
“Well, I bet she is excited! It is an exciting thing! I am so happy for them!” My Mom said of Best Friend Ever’s Mom as we stood in my parents’ kitchen the other night. My Mom’s tone was upbeat and I thought I detected a twinge of regret in her voice, though it is quite probable that I am projecting my feelings on her tone.
“Do you feel like Mom is disappointed that she doesn’t have grandchildren yet?” I asked my Little Brother later over lunch. “I was telling her about [Best Friend Ever] and she seemed very excited for her mom.”
“Don’t worry sis, I’ll take one for the team,” he said. “She’ll get her wedding next year and we’ll pop out a few kids and everything will be fine.”
He meant for this to reassure me. He meant to calm my fears. But this response stung and hurt my heart.
Have I become so anxious and disappointed with my terribly off-course life plan that I assume that everyone else is upset with me? Probably so. I misinterpret their jokes and teasing as being barbs thrown at me with great force.
And I know I’ve moaned and complained about this before. I simply do not care. This is, in fact, the biggest emotional issue I have to overcome in my life right now.
I’m not talking about fearing for my Spinster Status and Aching Ovaries. My issue is disappointing my family. (There, I said it.)
I’ve always been a Parent Pleaser. It’s in my nature I’m not only the Oldest Child, I’m the Oldest Daughter and the Oldest Grandchild on BOTH sides of my family. I was one of the Smart Girls in elementary school and, well, Good Enough in my high school of over achievers. I work my ever-loving tail off to have a fulfilling career. And while these things made or make me happy in some small way, they are, at times, overcompensation for worrying that I wasn’t enough of a Sweet Southern Belle Daughter for my parents. I’ve never been one of the Beautiful Girls with a soft spoken nature, shiny hair and delicate features. I’ve always felt as if I were a bit awkward, a bit too outspoken, a bit too much for some people – my family and myself included, at times.
What’s most amazing is that I really don’t think my parents mind all that much. If they were terribly disappointed in me I can’t imagine we’d spend as much time together as we do. I wouldn’t be about to head to their house for a big Sunday family dinner after I finish this thought. But I wonder if my following the traditional Southern Belle path would make their lives easier.
I honestly think me being happy and fulfilled is all they really want – husband, grandkids, picket fence or not. And I don’t say that in an “Of course they want me to be happy” way. They actually DO want me to be happy. For all of my complaints, I do have two of the most supportive parents either side of the Mississippi and I’m still sitting here alone, staring across a wide gulf, wondering how to get to the other side with all of the joy-filled, happy people.
The tough part for me, of course, is accepting that I am so afraid of allowing myself to be happy and so confused to even think of what Truly Contented, Happy Me would even look like that I’ve spent the better part of my life blaming my angst and bitterness on other people’s perceptions of what I should be while simultaneously shoving my Square Peg self into a Round Hole in which no one who really, truly knows and loves me even wants me to fit.
I just exhaled deeply writing that.
Onto Sunday Dinner.
Wow…good for you for airing this. I think that sometimes what our loved ones want for us can be a little hard to suss out, so your confusion is quite understandable. I never felt this sort of pressure, and very much went my own way — which meant being in the thick of a Ph.D. program as I approached 30. And my very independent mother shocked me to my core when I was 28-ish by suddenly getting on the “I hope you find someone soon” bus, after being very supportive of my academic career ambitions. I don’t think she understood how contradictory her impulses were, or why she was angering and alienating me.
In any case, it is very worthwhile for you to take your time to consider this question. Bon courage!
Hah … i knew it, I wasn’t alone in my ever clinging fear that I am my own cause of misery. I also realized that when my mom flips through pics of my friends and mentions someone as a nice guy….I need to grow a thicker skin and not get hurt.
My parents married when I was six or seven, and never having been around babies my dad has baby fever. He comes right out and asks me about it all the time. I think if your parents were truly disappointed you wouldn’t wonder, you’d know. I assuage my spinster guilt by reminding myself what a bad mother I’d be if I had kids before I was really ready.
Here’s me cheering you on - those are some big issues you’re wrestling with… I should know, they’re basically the same ones I have! I had a major crying breakdown over Christmas because it hurt so much to watch my parents (who are probably tied with yours for the “most supportive parents ever” award) cooing over my cousin’s son, all the while knowing that I wouldn’t be bringing a grandchild into their life for at least several years. I’m 28, the oldest child of two (and, incidentally, the only surviving one - my younger brother died in an accident six years ago), hopelessly single, and they’re both 60… and none of us are getting any younger. Reading your post above reminds me I haven’t found any answers but probably should address these issues head-on, rather than watch 2008 slip away…
It’s time to pick up and move out of the South and away from your family. It’s time to meet some people who are single and childless and happy about it.
I couldn’t but think of my twenties while I read this. I think that was my primary period in life realizing that I was a parent pleaser and what had done to my life through the choices I had made. My thirties have been a bit different. I know my choices have been mine, and regardless of the fact that some, maybe most, have been made thinking of what my parents want (or I think they want) they have been my decisions and I am sticking to them. I hope you find peace with what it is that you want for you and your future. It’s never easy, balance is a key part of this family living.
No, no, your Parents aren’t disappointed in you. They’re simply doing what all parents do: projecting their hopes and dreams and desires for you to have a good life. Unfortunately, at times this can result in feelings of pressure on the child.
Take my (slightly-less-serious-than-grandkids) example: every place I have ever lived my Father has criticized. Every single one. My first tiny little apartment because it was a tiny little apartment, my next one because of the neighborhood, the one after that because it didn’t have a garage. I move into a place with a garage, and he still has criticisms. It’s not because he thinks I’m making lousy decisions; he knows I do the best as I can within a reasonable budget. But he doesn’t say that, instead he voices the things he would like to see in a place that I live which, of course, comes of as rampant criticism.
Ultimately you have to concentrate on doing what makes you happy, and everyone else’s expectations be dammed. After all, if you make everyone else happy and you feel unfulfilled, you won’t be any happier…
Wow do I know what you are talking about. I have spent 45 years trying to make my family proud of me. I have all these successful and talented siblings, who do these amazing things and then there is me. I’m always trying to please, always trying to fix problems and always always trying to make them all proud. I recently figured out that the one I need to make proud is me. ME! And so now, since my mom passed away, that is how I am living my life. I am making myself happy inside of me…doing what makes me proud and what makes me feel honorable and kind and good. And i am trying to share with others the story of Lupus and letting others with the disease know that they aren’t alone. This time of my life is for making myself proud of who I am! That’s how it should be don’t you think?????
Just my humble opinion.
I really, really identified with your last statement: “I’ve spent the better part of my life blaming my angst and bitterness on other people’s perceptions of what I should be while simultaneously shoving my Square Peg self into a Round Hole in which no one who really, truly knows and loves me even wants me to fit.”
I feel like I’ve spent an awful lot of time comparing myself to everyone else and their accomplishments. I’ve been spending all this time shouting about how my perspective has value, too, but I haven’t been listening to myself. Maybe I’m not the sort of person who can handle it all- work and school and relationships and all of it together. My life plan might not be working out the way that I thought it would, but I keep taking it one day at a time, and I keep thinking that maybe when it finally happens, I’ll really be ready for it.
Live up to your own expectations of yourself, no one else’s. I think you’ll find that by making yourself happy, all the other stuff will start to fall into place.
Thank you for sharing this. I can sympathize with a lot of what you wrote.
Weirdly enough, despite my parents having married young, had the big wedding, 2 kids shortly thereafter only to divorce while both still in their 20s and then of course spending the following 10-years arguing over custody and visitation while trying to build lives with other people…they still somehow have it in them to hold on to the dream of me finding a nice man, buying a nice house, and popping out a few kids. Of course, they’re worrying I should start on that if at all possible now, because I’m behind schedule as it is…So, my gallivanting across the world, drinking too much, and having my only meaningful relationship be with my shoe collection, is not making them all that happy. It is however making me happy, and I think they will grow to be happy I’m happy…at one point.
“I’m still sitting here alone, staring across a wide gulf, wondering how to get to the other side with all of the joy-filled, happy people.” This line struck me so much because it is exactly how I feel… I’m not unhappy necessarily, but I look at my family and friends and think “why can’t I be as happy as them?”
On another note, I love reading your blog. It makes me feel as though I’m not the only one going through relationship and life’s frustrations… you just write it more eloquently than I do!
I can feel for you, and that must be tough.
The women in my family are such feminazis that I can’t even get them to take a relationship seriously.
You could have written this post about my life. I know what it’s like to be the first born, have such pressure to succeed and make the family look good, to be the parent/people pleaser. I have slowly learned to let go and try to please myself, which of course leads to uncertainty. All I can say is good luck and sometimes the best remedy is just being true to yourself and blocking out what everyone else thinks.
Reading this post and the comments that go with it struck such a familiar chord in me. Last year, I was in counseling after a bad break up, and one of the biggest hurdles I was having to overcome was feeling like a failure in my parents’ eyes. It’s amazing how their comments go right to our most vulnerable spots.
After many tears, and several attempts to win their approval in other ways (climbing Half Dome, traveling, running a 1/2 marathon) I’ve had to just come to grips with the fact that they DO think I’m wonderful - they just don’t always show it. Try to look for your family’s pride in you in other ways and just tune out the marriage and babies talk. You’re young - you have plenty of time to swim across that wide gulf.
I guess I’m blessed to not really care what my parents think about my decisions. BUT it’s still not easy when all friends are getting married and having babies and that’s the only thing that I want in this world. Instead, I ended up the “you have an exciting single life” friend.
Yeah Hi! Also Oldest child, oldest grandchild, only daughter, only granddaughter, also only one with any current ambitions and/or potential for doing something with my life.
Hello “live up to family expectations pressure”
You might as well be writing my blog for me. I too am “the Oldest Child… the Oldest Daughter… the Oldest Grandchild on BOTH sides of my family… one of the Smart Girls in elementary school and… in high school and… I work my ever-loving tail off to have a fulfilling career.”
My mother recently told me that my father’s family (who I have never met) was asking how old I am and why I’m not married yet. I told her to tell them I’m a lesbian and she said they wouldn’t know what that was. So I told her to tell that I’m working on my Master’s. Apparently a female relative said that’s what happens when women are overeducated. They know too much and don’t need a man anymore. So I told my mother she should agree with them and tell them that I think there’s no mere mortal man good enough for me on this planet.
It’s going to be really hard to meet all of them next year. I’m already dreading the looks and the nagging questions. I can hardly tell them I was with my ex for 7 years and he decided he didn’t want to marry me after all.
Charming, this same old story is getting old. Move on girl, suck it up, and quit bemoaning your fate. Enough already!
Hi Shelia!
You know what is getting old? People telling me what to feel and when to feel it and for how long. Oh, and what to write in my blog that I force exactly ZERO people to read.
I know, I know. I was so much more fun when I made out with boys and talked about my cleavage and went on bad dates and had relations with ex boyfriends and wrote about shopping.
Who wants some boring self-reflection crap when I can post pictures of my shoes, right? RIGHT?
If you want to read about anything other than what I want to write about, I’d suggest you move along. Seriously. This whole “I am kind of unhappy, lets write about it to help me sort through my emotions” theme is working wonders for me.
XOXO,
Charming
Well did someone mention boring self-reflection crap? Now then I’m awake. We’ve got that somewhere here, I’m certain of it.
Some reasons Why it’s Always slightly worse than you expect. (And sometimes far worse). [Some of this may not make it due to the links included] A.) Congrats! You’re now the first generation of the officially Shrinking Middle Class: See tcf.org: http://www.tcf.org/Publications/economicsinequality/mid%20class%20basics.pdf B.) This means that wages have been stagnating for even the College educated since 2000: (For the first time since the Great Depression). http://www.tcf.org/Publications/EconomicsInequality/GoingNowhereRC.pdf C.) Again, Economically we’re creating a ‘Lost Generation’ of souls for whom: “The typical earnings of full-time workers age 25 to 34 are lower today than they were a generation ago, except among women with college degrees”. [See Demos.org] Demos.org/pubs/esya_5_7_08.pdf
D.) Ergo, It’s Harder now to find a compatible mate of similar experience & educational and income level. There’s simply Fewer of them, and they’re doing worse off than your parents were way back when.
I had an essay version of this, but if the links get there, it’ll do fine. And stand as one of my shorter missives too.
Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
I feel the same way sometimes…I’m dating a great guy, and I was engaged before, but I feel like sometimes my parents wish I had just married the guy before, even though I wasn’t really happy. They knew that I wasn’t really happy, but now, I seem to have disappointed them. They are ready for me to be married and start having children. If I had stayed engaged, I might be pregnant by now, and they know that. Oh well…
No advice here, no insight. This was just a lovely post. Effortless. Or seemed so.
Somewhere deep in the recesses of the mail block box is a longer missive as a response to the subject. But I realize that in times of trouble I tend to think of economics. Always. So it’s bound to be less fun, right? So… Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
Thanks C, If no one else notices, I’ll note that I get the ‘green crazy quilt ‘ pattern avatar every time I post. Somehow fitting I imagine. Cheers, ‘VJ’
Here’s the Economic State of Young America (by Tamara Draut): http://demos.org/pubs/esya_5_7_08.pdf
Totally agree with you. Pregnant women are really cute. I don’t think I’m alone
I do miss being pregnant and apparently my mother miss me being pregnant too… she signed me up for one of those dating sites and is pretty much auctioning me off to the highest bidder (I kid no money is changin hands) and last night she said ” Are you dating that guy I found? All I want is a grand daughter” I think she has lost it
http://blah-love-blah.blogspot.com
I don’t really have any advice but from one Parent Pleaser to another, great post.
Charming, Just had to commend you for your response to “Shelia”… you go girl. But what is up with commentors like that?!!? UGH!
My mom married really young, right after college, and soon after popped out my big sister, followed by 3 more babies. I think she may have regretted that decision to a certain extent because she’s always warned us about marrying too soon and encouraged my sister and I to pursue our careers first (and there’ll be time for marriage later). Now I’m 27, my sister is 32, we’re both single, earning good money, and no where near getting married. My mom’s perfectly happy and proud of her daughters, but I’m the one who’s worried. I have a fulfilling career but its just not enough. I WANT to be married. I WANT The 2 kids, the dog, and the picket fence. There I finally admitted it. You’re not alone, charming!
Wow - this is so me! Right down to the response from the brother!
So I’m reminding you as well as myself to hang in there!
I just wanted to say that your piece touched me because I am having the same problem in my life: I want to please people and do a good job and show them how much they mean to me by working really hard.
I’ve realized that I am sabotaging myself in small ways in this endeavor. And I think it’s because I sort of half want to prove that it’s REALLY REALLY HARD to do what I’m doing. In fact, it may be impossible… and so on. Then if it doesn’t happen, I didn’t let them down. And if it does, it means more.
I am NOT saying this is your fault, or offering some easy cure for spinsterdom or anything like that. I think our society has set up a catch 22 for women who are expected to somehow combine dating and living their dreams in a way that men aren’t, because the timing for grad school and dues paying hits right in the baby-making years. (People act like this is just some mysterious act of god and women will have to cope by staying home - that kills me, btw - today’s MBA program didn’t exactly spring from nature). So there are problems that are bigger than the individual. I don’t think it’s weird that we haven’t all figured it out yet.
But I do think this is something I do, and I could be wrong but does it seem like working hard for things, and being in relationships with people who make it hard, is a theme for you too?
I’m a Southern … er … gentleman and I completely sympathize with worries about spinsterdom. And with writing about it. Why, at a charming but single 36, I’m in danger of becoming a … spinster? … myself! (Is there a masculine noun equivalent? Perhaps “permanent bachelor”?) And if you’re in your twenties and think we men are after only one thing, you’re profoundly wrong. I can think of at least two other things. But seriously, keep up the writing. It’s good for the soul, regardless of who reads it, and regardless of who likes it. (Take on those critics! Give ME a sound thrashing if you think I deserve it! Batti, batti!) Recently you inspired me to take a stab at something more than my usual silliness: http://vaultedsky.wordpress.com/2008/05/23/my-name-is-nickname/ . Well, the silliness is still there, but at least there’s more to the post than my juvenile sense of humor. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.
All best!
Just wanted to let you know that I’ve felt very similarly, so you aren’t alone. I just spent 30 minutes looking at the most romantic engagement photos on Facebook for someone who’s a full 10 years younger than I am! Her fiance is gorgeous and it’s so obvious they’re both in love. What’s sad is that I don’t want to turn into a negative, downer because I beleive in the Laws of Attraction–that positivity beckons good things to you. Lately however, I haven’t been feeling very positive and it’s a struggle. Keep your chin up and know you aren’t alone. –33 and single in the South
Hi,
This is my first reaction, i’ve only read the last few entries, so i don’t have the entire picture. However, i believe i know similar feelings. Because of these frustrations, i also started a blog to put them into words. What i have noticed after a few days already, is that i’m actually thinking negative things just to have something to post on the blog. I’m not saying you are doing this, because i didn’t read full history, but as far as the past few posts go, they have been full of self-doubt and self-blame. Now i’m a man, and you’re not, so our views on relations and the opposite sex are by definition different.
However, and i’ve said this to a 37-year old single woman too, you will not find happiness by sitting indoors and just looking at your monitor. You should go outside. By this i don’t mean to parties, i mean outside, anywhere where you might meet people, like libraries, mixed-gender shops, and parties too.
Here is a blog post that is not mine, but it’s worth reading i believe: http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/CaptainJacksGrandeAdventures/~3/298065263/low-self-approval-or-low-self-esteem.html
Have a nice day, and i really do mean nice, it’s not just a saying!
Sweety, I get it. Read my little posts about my debacle with my little sister, if anyone gets it it’s me:
http://princessrantsandraves.blogspot.com/2008/03/mixed-and-difficult-emotions.html
http://princessrantsandraves.blogspot.com/2008/03/mixed-emotions-panic-attacks.html
http://princessrantsandraves.blogspot.com/2008/05/sister-saga-and-my-mental-health.html
E-mail anytime. If anyone gets it it’s me. I don’t know how I’m going to get through it, but I’m going to have to, aren’t I?????
sending you hugs from one desperate womb to another,
Steph
NOte to Sheila:
F+++ off. Read another blog. If you don’t like how “Charming” is feeling spend your time somewhere else.
Alright, girlie - time for a reality check:
1. Those so-called “Beautiful Girls with a soft spoken nature, shiny hair and delicate features”? B-O-R-I-N-G. And SOOOO unoriginal. Is that what you want to be?
2. The “other side,” I’d wager, isn’t filled with as many joy-filled, happy people as you think.
3. All you should be is YOU. The ONLY thing you should strive to be the “best” at is authentic, one-of-a-kind, fabulous YOU. Interestingly, I just finished reading my Daily OM email which talks about living up to your own standards instead of those of others. It came on a day, as these emails usually do, when it was the perfect thing for me to read. Maybe you’ll find comfort and wisdom in it as I did:
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2008/14095.html
Oh, and p.s. - LOVE Brandi Carlile. When I’m feeling down for whatever reason, I blast her music and it cures my soul. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her!
p.p.s. - How DO you get so many people to read/comment on your blog when, as you pointed out, you force *no one* to? I have been trying for over a year to get more readers, and still don’t have 1/4 the number you do!
That post hit me….not because I have Aching Ovaries, but because it touches on dealing with expectations, happiness, and the struggle navigating between the two.
Wow…I don’t know how many times my mother has told me she would eventually like to be a grandmother. It does hurt. I’m her only child. I’m 35. I’m single. I hear the question, “Why are you single?” way too often. But I figure he’s gonna have to be one helluva man to entertain me…and put up with me! LMAO!
http://www.saneandsingle.blogspot.com
[...] thinking about writing a post and then all of a sudden it’s out there on the internets already written for you. Which is especially good since you just got back from the emergency vet and you are thinking [...]
I think it’s a great point you’ve come to. Don’t worry about anyone else. You’re the one that has to live with yourself on a day to day basis and only you can determine the source of your own happiness. If you want happiness then find out what makes YOU happy, not what makes other people happy.
Wow. You could’ve been describing me in this blog, except I’m not from the south. Great read.
I totally get what you’re saying. Except that I WAS married, and I have two daughters, but now I’m a divorced YOUNG woman with a toddler and infant. I love them and am so thankful for them, but I wouldn’t wish what I’ve gone through (in marriage and divorce) on anyone. It’s better to be single than to be badly married or going through a painful divorce. And it’s not like breaking up with a boyfriend. When you get divorced with kids, you have to continue to deal with that person, perhaps on a daily basis! AND you have to agree on some very important issues relating to the most important people in your life, your children. And that ex may not exactly be reasonable, agreeable, or even sane.
Anyway, this is just to say that sometimes people appear more happily married than they really are. I know. I’ve been one of those people. That doesn’t mean marriage can’t be fulfilling, though every marriage takes a lot of work.
I just want to encourage you (and myself, actually) to hang in there. The grass on the other side is full of just as many weeds on the other side…different ones, perhaps, and sometimes worse.
Not trying to preach at you…sorry. Just wanting to empathize and encourage you.