Closer to Finally Being the Last Unmarried Woman I Know June 12, 2007
Posted by charmingbutsingle in Advice People Give Me, Dating, Friends, Random Musings on Life, Single Girl Cliches, Tales of Online Dating, Weddings.trackback
It feels somewhat meaningful now that I was reflecting on my First Roommate Ever just a few days ago. Her strong personality and independent streak. Her silver Volvo, which carried us to many high school activities, both officially sanctioned and otherwise. How she kept our Southern Comfort under her bed when we were in high school and doing tequila shots in her bedroom before we left for prom. That bathroom also was the first place I ever dyed my hair bright red. So many fond memories, full of the little life lessons I learned from her – because, really I’m not friends with people who can’t teach me things and bring me some sort of happiness.
So, yes, it seems almost fateful that after my evening of memories on Sunday, today she told me she is engaged to her boyfriend and planning a small wedding in the California wine country very, very soon. Because there’s nothing better than really missing someone and then finding out that you have a fantastic (albeit expensive) chance to see them soon and wear a pretty dress and toast to their happiness and eat yummy cake and tell stories about Back In The Day when She was just a rebel with an untucked uniform blouse and penchant for skipping gym to go see the “Guidance Counselor.” (Actual visits to said office? Zero. Successfully pretending to be an emotional teenager to get out of archery and softball is just one of the many perks of oversensitive teachers at an all-girls high school.)
She joked that she was hopping on the Wedding Bandwagon like everyone else. And some mild self-deprecation for my sake and an offer to hook me up with a Friend of the Groom at the vineyard wedding, since it seems like something’s in the water – just not in the water I’ve been drinking, apparently.
Best Friend Ever. First College Roommate. Little Brother. All getting hitched, with Southern Belle (owns house with boyfriend, has looked at rings) and College Roommate (lives with boyfriend, has discussed marriage and rings) following close behind.
College Roommate sent me kind words to soothe my heart – pointing out that I was her best friend and she didn’t make friends “with just anyone.” And Best Friend Ever called to tell me that another of her good friends has found success with eHarmony – “We’ve got to get you on that site!” she announced, excitedly to me.
“You have to fill out a 40-question survey and then it is all seems very much like it is all about looking only for a husband and not just a date,” I said.
“I know. What’s the problem?” she asked.
“I tried Match.com and we all know how that ended,” I said. “Plus, all of these weddings! I can’t keep making financial investments in my dating life because all of you keep getting married!”
The good news with all of these permanent pairings, of course, is that if I ever find myself without a job, I am qualified to be a professional Wedding Guest. I am familiar with the proper etiquette, am proficient at the Chicken Dance and can navigate a registry with ease.
Also, I can be counted on to not accidentally catch the bouquet you’re trying to toss directly to your unmarried best friend so that her noncommittal boyfriend will finally get the picture and pop the question. Because trust me when I say that after I am forcefully separated from my drink and taken to the dance floor – I’ve once had my name called out on the microphone by a bride because I was hiding from her Flying Flowers of Future Marriage — for this slightly humiliating ritual, I will dive so far, far away from that ribbon-tied bundle of pale-colored tea roses that I might take out a groomsman or your grandma.
God, you sound just like me at your age. ALL my friends were married by the time I was 28. I mean, all. Yes, every single one. I hated that time and moved through it was grace and yes, teeth gnashing.
Fast forward to now, 31 and I am engaged to a man I couldn’t have dreamed up back then. And they are all jealous of all the goodness I now have ahead!
It will come back to you ten fold. I promise. Until then, white instead of red (bad red teeth in photos are a no-no) and go with the black strappys, not the pumps.
Ouch. At least your friends keep in touch with you after the big Marriage. All my guy friends, once their hitched, seem to disappear into “married friends only” land forever. Whether this is their doing or their wives, I’ve never known for sure.
Be sure to wave in the general direction of LA as you pass over, Charming. I’ll wave back. Promise.
Aww C, I’d go just for a peek at the ‘Friend of the Groom’ out in CA. But t said it well. My roommate from college is still unmarried, and I’m like 109 or something. Swell, very sweet guy, he just never could come up with the prize. We still think he’ll make it one day. Another old bachelor college pal had his wife practically imported, but she was a new immigrant he ran into teaching at a local college. He clung to her something fierce, it was an amazing sight to behold. When these ‘long lone’ guys finally go, they go big. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
t- 28?? All our friends (well, ok, including us) were married by about 25! lol That’s Texas, I suppose.
Then again, we’ve also already had 3 friends go through divorce, so there you go.
And your last paragraph? That’s the exact reason why I was dead set against throwing my bouquet at anyone at my wedding.
I just came back from my best friend ever’s wedding and it was very emotional. As she was walking down the aisle all I could think about was how we would comfort each other when another of our friends would get engaged. We would call each other up and say it’s okay we still have each other, now lets go get some wine.
I cried that day because I was happy but also because I felt all alone. I know that their are other women who feel the same way I do but some times I just like to wallow for a little bit.
I will admit my fear though is to have the DJ annouce the wedding bouquet toss and I will be the only one standing out there… well me and the flower girls.
I was just at a wedding this past weekend, which confirmed that I actually am the last single person I know. I was sitting at a table of 9 people, of course I was the odd one out, and even worse? Everyone around me was newly engaged!
It was so bizzare…is engaged the new hot trend?
Your first paragraph reminded of my high school days when I dyed my hair bright fire engine red.
I am slowly becoming the last single person of all my friends. I know how you feel. And I really have heard good things about eHarmony. My cousin met her boyfriend there. I really have no interest in trying it out right now, despite all the pressure from my friends. I think I may steal your excuse about not being able to make the financial commintment because everyone keeps getting married. I love that!
My ex is getting married. I console myself by realizing over half of all marriages end in divorce.
I actually have no desire to be married. Being turned down kind of knocks it out of you. My parents also don’t exactly give a good impression of being married.
I’m going to agree with Beth, I like your comment about the “financial commitment”. Perfect. I keep saying that if I’m still single when I hit 40 (*gulp* almost 8 years away) I’m having a huge party and anyone that I have bought wedding shower gifts, wedding gifts or baby shower gifts for since I was 21 will need to return the favor.
As for eharmony…two of my friends have found their husbands on there and I’m slowly starting to warm to the idea of trying the online thing again. Match.com and I didn’t exactly work and it’s made me shy away from any kind of online dating website. Keep us posted if you decide to go the eharmony way. I’m curious to hear your thoughts.
Ah yes, the bouquet toss. There are few things in life more shameful than standing pretty much alone on a dance floor (or with all of the little girls) during the bouquet toss. I too have been paged to the dance floor for the toss, more than once. I have yet to catch one though. I find my body involuntarily shrinks away from it, probably to avoid drawing any more attention to myself and my aloneness. Maybe next time I should just catch it, just in case there is some luck in love to come my way from having done so.
I feel your pain. But the wedding sounds fun - good locale. Enjoy!
oh Charming. i actually could hear the sigh in your post. Eharmony i have heard is nothing like match, but it is up to you how to go about finding Mr. Right. I know you are happy for your friends but nervous about being the last one standing. it’s ok to be a little jealous or upset. we all want a happy ending. i know you will have yours, unfortunately i just can’t tell you when. you should go to CA though and meet Friend of the Groom. It can’t hurt right?
I’ve been the last single gal around for the past year. It definitely has a empty house feeling to it. Fortunatley, some of my girlfriends have been married long enough that they enjoy having girl time.
Match and eHarmony are quite different machines. I’ve heard mixed on both depending on where one lives. I have friends who married off eHarmony, and friends of friends married off Match. And then, there’s people like me who haven’t had much luch with either in several years (and think it might be time to find a consultant to tell me what the heck I’m doing wrong).
It’s a funny thing, I’m jealous my friends are all coupled, and some are having babies. They’re all jealous that I’m constantly traveling to fabulous and exotic places. Which grass is greener?
I agree with the first commenter .. I remember those days, in my late 20s. I got married, all my friends got married. It was a snowballing effect, with everyone anxious about rings, dresses, flowers.
Oh, if I could do it all over again. I’d take my time. I’d ask some hard questions. And I wouldn’t be divorced at 32!
The longer you wait to get married, the more likely you’ll still be married five years later.
~ lola
Ah yes, most of my friends are now married, I have more bridesmaid dresses in my closet than I can count, and even more amusing is that my two favorite guy “Friends with Benefits” are married with KIDS. All of my exes are also married. It’s hilarious. I can’t get a freakin’ date to save my life. But, you keep head held high (which you are), smile on your face, and hope in your heart.
I live near the wine country! You should call me and we can go get snockered on great wine.
Trust me, the agony doesn’t stop after the whole marriage thing. You’ll get married, and the moment you step off the plane from your honeymoon, everyone will be hounding you asking when you’re going to have kids. And as soon as you’ve popped the first one, they’ll all start asking when you’re planning the the next. Take your own sweet time and just ignore them - the pressure will always be there in one form or another…
Oh dear lord…stay away from online dating. Far…far…away! As for the sudden “something in the water” phase..don’t worry, it’s just a phase. Soon, there will be a baby phase and then a divorce phase and then another wedding phase (not necessarily in that order). Currently, my circle of friends is in the d-phase. It’s quite interesting actually…. and a little creepy too. When you hang out with the same “pool” of people, there comes a point where it seems like everyone has dated/kissed/slept with everyone and it all feels a little “incestuous” ya know? Kind of like “Friends” ha..ha..!
“…and the moment you step off the plane from your honeymoon…”. Honey, we drove to it. In a 2dr., 4cyl. Ford. But we’re still here after all these years. Cheers, ‘VJ’
Let me tell you something, Charming, and a few other commenters have said the same thing. I understand how you feel…longing for romance and commitment with someone special. We all deserve that.
BUT…
I was 25 when I got married. I felt I was mature enough and it was the right time. If I only knew then what I know now! I would have waited until much later to get married. The pain and hurt that I had to endure was the worst in my life. My husband had an affair and up and left me.
Here I am two and a half years later. Stronger, yes. Smarter, yes. But I have to still deal with him on an almost daily basis because we share a son. I am tied to him forever and it makes me want to spit! And he continues to aggravate me daily. I’m sorry to say but I bet one of your already married friends will be divorced in a few years and will have to live a similar life as mine. It sucks but the odds are stacked against them. Divorce happens.
So as much as you crave to be married just like your friends and brother, just remember there is a dark side to it too. We all wish for that fairy tale life and I do hope your friends’ marriages work. But they all don’t. You WILL meet someone and you’ll be glad in the long run that it happened when you were a little older and a little wiser. Trust me on that.
A hug from me to you…keep your chin up.
Damsel
Quit moaning, I’m 35 and still an unmarried woman! But….I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 9 months, so we shall see…
Oh, definitely go to wine country! It is like an adult playground! Even if the friend of the groom is a dud, the wine is so good! And you need to plan strategically to be in hiding when the bouquet is tossed. Definitely not the ladies room as that is the first place they will look for you. Maybe the coat check smooching with some hot bartender to take your mind off your singleness.
what’s great is that then you get to the point-as I was last fall-where you are, quite literally, the only single woman at the wedding.
BTW, met my boyfriend on JDate.com. Before that, I was a very battle-scarred veteran of the online dating scene. Took me many years to find him, but I never gave up hope. So it’s not the best way to find someone, but it IS a way.
ugh. i can, of course, relate to this. a couple of summers ago, i think 5 of my friends got married. i think that because of that summer, i acquired the never-ending loop in my brain: “oh shit. when am i getting married? why aren’t i getting married? what if i never get married? etc.”
marriage fever is definitely contagious. only, it’s only fun to get it if you already have a great boyfriend. otherwise, it’s like malaria — it will come and go, but there is no cure other than that one, magic medicine.
and now, there’s a tiny voice in the back of my brain: “try online dating again. at least you will go on dates. try it! try it!”
argh.
oh, and the whole tossing of the bouquet? totally humiliating.
and as if it isn’t depressing enough to watch someone else have a perfect day (AGAIN), you have to fork over mega-bucks to witness it and get re-depressed all over again. to attend a wedding as a single girl is PAYING money to be DEPRESSED. i mean, sure, i’m happy for them. weddings are fun, blah blah. but on that long car ride home? i cry.
and like geekhiker, once people get married, it’s POOF! and they vanish. from that point onwards, they only hang out with other married couples. what gives??? further proof that single people are treated like 2nd class citizens in our country.
thank goodness i lucked out: this summer, ZERO weddings to go to. YESSSSS!!!!!!
wow……..i am cynical today…………with just a touch of angry and bitter………..oops. guess i should have skipped commenting on this one………
Hehe… I’m there myself with all my old high school and college friends having KIDS! As if! I keep telling myself I can pull a Madonna and have my first at 40.
I can’t say I will dive right along with you.. but I’ll be standing along in that group and pretending I don’t want that f’n bouquet. I hear you girl.. but so far, no weddings for me to attend, even tho one of my best girlfriends tied the knot this year already in a very small ceremony. Still, I felt the single group get that much smaller. I think I’m the only one left. Hope that dress is worth it!
I am SO with you on this. My baby sister (5 years younger!) is getting married next Saturday and I’m more single than I have ever been. I hope your first commenter is right… ‘t’ because I need a break, too.
I’m 36 and still single. My boyfriend of almost 3 years keeps telling me not to give up faith on him but it’s getting old. I am on my 4th group of single friends. The first 3 groups are all married and group # 3 is now in the having babies cycle. I am the 2nd oldest in this group of friends and the youngest - 27, keeps flipping out that her boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet. I’m to the point when I really happy for other people who’ve found that right one but am kind of like, why don’t I get a turn before they all get the next turn and the next turn (babies, families.) It’s frustrating but sharing and reading helps, esp. the Madonna thing tuttysan. Thank you!